The Magical Mystery Musson Tour

As me old mate John Lennon used to constantly bang on in that bloody song

"ROLL UP. ROLL UP FOR THE MYSTERY TOUR etc etc"

MUSSOTOURS PROUDLY PRESENTS

THE MAGICAL MYSTERY MUSSON TOUR (tm)

Tickets for the tour are £5 adult £3 children £15 Family (2 adult +2 child)

Paypal details to follow.

Just a few strict rules you must OBEY at all times on the bus.

1. Smoking and drinking is COMPULSORY

2. NO Petting. Yes i mean you Mrs. H.

3. MUSSOTOURS is not responsible for any loss of limbs during tour

4. STRICTLY NO REFUNDS

During the tour there will be plenty of photo opportunities of Musson interest. Who knows? Maybe even a rare sighting of the great beast himself.

Oh and of course don't forget to take this opportunity to visit the gift shop at the start of the tour. Thank you for choosing MUSSOTOURS.

Buckle up buddies, Thunderbirds (red) are GO!!!!Musson mansions, here ,conveniently circled for your optical easy. Alas the hi-rise des-res is empty and so we move swiftly on to our next location, the very heart of the town.

The benches outside Ladbrookes are full, but not with the Musson posse, and so onwards and upwards

And here we have empty benches in the "park" at the back of the Horse and Groom public house. Anyone needing a toilet break can use the handily located bushes located to the left.

Still no sighting at the Mussonators regular early morning haunt in Meeting street.

It's not looking good I'm afraid as the tour is reaching it's vinegar strokes, we trundle on to our final location.

My dear dear friend Genesis said it best

"THE CHIPS ARE DOWN..."

We climax at every young lads dream of making it big in Ramsgate. Yes the casino. Right round the back facing the beach.

OMFG
WE STRUCK GOLD

Don't get too close he bites. No flash photography please, that Frosty Jacks is nearly empty-better safe than sorry folks.


Only with years of experience can i get this close for a cheeky snap. Tourists please stand back this is performed without the aid of a safety net.


As we see The Mussonatron fade into the distance (squint a bit) this concludes our tour. Feel free to visit the gift shop again and again.
And remember
"IF IT'S MAGNIFICENT...
...IT MUST BE MUSSOTOURS"

A Brown Day At The Office

I made many empty promises about this exciting episode, months ago but never really felt the urge to put finger to keyboard. I still don't, but seeing as this important tale of WOE and DESPAIR, needed to be shared and no other idiot would do it...

Welcome dear readers to Musson's office. It's prime location is just opposite Churchills pub in Ramsgate. Marvelous panaramic views sweep across the vista of the harbour. The Office is used most days , both, early monings and afternoons. It offers a relaxing retreat from the hustle and bustle of being hassled by da pigs in the high street. Alone with his i-pod of Metal, the Musson-meister does some of his best work here.

Click on the secretively taken snap. Yes, that is Musson in action with a can of brew. Hang on a goddamn cotton-picking minute. Why the F is HE not in this fabled office you've heard so much about? Well, my fellow Musson voyeurs, there is a very good reason...

OH YES YOU CAN BELIEVE YOUR EYES.

That's right, some dirty cunt did the biggest shit ever in our HERO's office. I must tell you straight away that Musson DID NOT and i repeat DID NOT give birth to this DISGRACE TO HUMANITY. Not even the Musson shits on his own doorstep.

Although seriously pissed off about this foul addition to his work space, Darren, did admire the sheer impossible beauty of such a turd, and was most insistant i took a photo of it. So i made a special trip to witness this SICKENING BETHEMOTH.

It was fucking HUGE.

The photo doesn't do it justice. Clicking on the said photo will enchance you viewing experience though.It could have easily come out of a fucking enormous gorilla's arse (and i should know)

At least a week had passed between this VILE AFFRONT TO GOD being laid and me getting around to photo it. And even after this length of time , this "monsterous carbuncle on the face of an old friend" still really, really fucking stank like fucking shit. In spite of all this, i too could see the same MACCAVELIAN BEAUTY that Darren had spoke of. And i wept. Actually it was the stench that made me eyes water. Men don't cry as you well know.

EPI-LOG tee-hee

After a couple of more days the HIDEOUS CORRUPTION had mysterously vanished.
Some lucky TDC worker had something to tell the kids about that day.
Even to this day Sherlock Musson is no closer to finding the culprit. All Daz's groovy chums deny laying that monster cable. No-one dared to attempt to take a DNA sample from the HELLISH STOOL. All leads, like the poo, have finally gone cold.

The most singular case of THE BROWN DAY AT THE OFFICE remains open at Scotland Yard.

Please note Musson has never heard of Ricky Garvais.

Darts, Drills and Demented Darren

Good evening Musson Stalkers. I've postponed the promised "Musson Office" blog to make room for this crucial newsflash.

At 1pm Sunday just gone, i had a visitation from the mighty man himself armed with a bottle of whiskey. (It's an odd tale how he prucured it and far too long winded for me to explain) Needless to say i was prepared for some sort of LUNACY but with hindsight i should've sent Darren on His way long before He'd drunk half the bottle. By Himself. Swigged out the bottle. Old school.

Anyway, i was intent on putting my dartboard up that day, and Musson wasn't going to stop me, in fact, i forced him to help me.
Ok, ok that was a mistake. I fully realise that now, but an extra pair of hands (a little less shaky pair of hands preferable) are really 'handy' when trying to install a dartcase and board.

To cut a short story shorter after the drilling was finished (can you guess where this is going?) Musson insisted on 'having a go' on my lovely hammer drill. When i say insisted, i mean he didn't fucking shut up about 'having a go'. I of course said no again and again and a-fucking-gain. But pissed up pissheads pissed on free whiskey NEVER take no for an answer.
I must confess dear reader that i, a mere mortal, snapped. The constant barage got to me and i foolishly growled, and i quote verbatim:

"HAVE A FUCKING GO ON THE FUCKING DRILL"

And of course He jumped at the chance. Darren picked up my powerful tool (ho fucking ho) and put it to His forehead and pulled the trigger. The drill whirled into life and He held it there for a good 10 seconds. Don't panic He didn't die. In fact He sneaked another go 5 minutes later.

I don't need anyone to tell me i shouldn't have let this panto get as far as it did. He might of got claret all over my oche! Seriously though, in my defense , i wasn't expecting an attempted self lobotomy. Then again maybe i should've seen it coming.
Musson left about 20 mins later and to be blunt i was over joyed. To say He'd got on my moobs would be one way of putting it. On His way out i surveyed the damage to his guillver. The indestructable terminator-esque Musson had only broken the skin a bit. Still, Darren takes self harming to a new level bless Him.

If only i had time to tell you about Darren Eric Musson reminiscing about the times (yes times - as in more than once) He stuck a drill down his urethra(that's His japs eye you racists). For masturbatory purpose naturally.
It's such a 'great' story He told me twice in the space of half a hour-lucky me! I can't wait for next weeks visit.

Peace out Mofos.

Musson's Muthers Day Mayhem *REMIXED*

Good morning pimps and the pimped. Here's another blog entry from my myspace vaults. A bit of a cop out i know, but you'll just have to cope! This is from last mother's day (2008) but is still as fresh as the kippers noted below humble readers.

This update is dedicated to all shoppers at Nettos, forever known as Musson Brethrin.

It's the same old shit every Mothers Day. We've all experienced the AGONY of it. Do you buy yet more crap daffodils like the last 20 years or perhaps you can get away with buying the cheapest box of Forero Roche- after all it's been 3 months since xmas.

I have the solution to next years arseache thanks to my friend and yours- MR. DARREN "worryingly frequent nose bleeds" MUSSON.

Sit back and close your eyes. Open them again and read this next bit then close them again. Picture yourself in Darrens shoes. You've been drinking since 6am for the past 15 years. It's now 2pm mothers day, you're on your way to see lovely Mum. Naturally you pop in Nettos on your way to pick up her 2 presents (and some cider for yourself of course-who said men can't multi-task).

If your eyes are still closed open then now to read this bit.

The first present is a pack of flower seeds. Cheap and i quote:

"they'll last longer than cut flowers"

You can't fault that logic.

The second gift was, I'm not making this up:

Yes a pack of NETTO KIPPERS. And once again I quote:

"SHE LOVED THEM"

He didn't buy a card but who does? If you're "gay" enough to want a card I've made you one below. Feel free to print off as many as you want.

Ahh this remix is over already. Don't fret my droogs, i've still got a blog up my sleeve about Musson's office, which i'll get around to sooner or later.
REMEMBER MUSSON LOVES YOU ALL
xxx

8 CANS OF BREW KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY

Unbelievable news Musson nuts!
Last week our hero got a clean bill of health from the Doctor. Well when i say clean bill, i mean his liver isn't as badly damaged as it was 3 years ago when He last had tests.
Back then He was on a diet of 'sherry' and cider. Now He's exclusive to Spech, (see here newbies http://themussondiaries.blogspot.com/2008/09/musson-goes-on-wagon.html) He's not a fucked as He was then. Certainly is good news.
There has been a delay to the construction of ROBOMUSSON though. The dentist couldn't rip out half of the Mussonmiesters teeth last week, as the same Dr. sensationally slapped a ban on Darren going under a general anaesthetic. Something to do with waiting for elephant tranquilisers! Of course not you fools. I ain't no doctor but i doubt a general would have done Mussy any good at all.


That's it for now chums but there's a gem of a blog coming within a week. You're just have to go cold turkey til then Musson junkies.

FREE SPEECH FOR THE DUMB?

Big Brother Musson has decreed an outright ban on me reporting on virtually every juicy tit-bit of his topsy turvey life. In fact Dictator Musson said he'd close this site down if it wasn't for another Darren Musson on the net (http://www.facebook.com/people/Darren-Musson/1131637172) and people might mistake this imposter for him.
For instance I can't mention the wet dream/shitty pants episode Daz told me (i wish i hadn't heard it either- i still have nightmares.) I also can't tell you faithful readers, that his,long suffering, Doctor told Metal Musson that his 'arsehole' was like a "gaping chasm". Fuck knows why the Mussonmiester told me, i still have trouble keeping my dinner down over that one.

In all seriousness though, i'm genuinely worried about Him, even more than usual. Darren is getting noticable worse everytime i see Him (twice a week for the past month! Too much of a good thing? Never!) He's getting medical test results about His liver in the next few days. Let's face it they ain't gonna be good.
Tomorrow on Valentines day he is 'going under' at the dentist to have "half of his jaw removed"(Musson) in the first part of "a series of extractions"(dentist). Ever the optimist, Musson said that on the plus side at least he can have a cyborg jaw implant. All hail your future:
ROBOMUSSON.
That's all for now folks but i'll update,hopefully, within the week with an update on the test results. In the meantime, show your solidarity with the Musson by leaving a can of brew in your front window. We MUST raise the profile of the upcoming Musson awareness week.
Over and out.